you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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