I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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