I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
