Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
