I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
