I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
