I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
