I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
