pedialite and red bull = repair kit
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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