i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
someone owes me an orgasm
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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