even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
