The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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