Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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