you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
