I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
