i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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