i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize