Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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