Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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