id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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