I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
two words: eviction party
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
