Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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