I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
