I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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