no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
