You just made me feel so damn special
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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