The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
