I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
