"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
