I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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