i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
