I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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