I wish I could teleport
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
