My underwear smells like fireworks.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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