omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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