Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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