The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
