FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
