Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Someone signed my nipple.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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