I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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