i think my tv is drunk
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
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