Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.