And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol