1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.