haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!