we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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