My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
