And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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