please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize