i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
