I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
