I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
