you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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