guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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