cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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