Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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