Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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