happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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