this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
