I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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