Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
